Amazing Grace

I have always been reluctant to share my conversion story; at times I have been weak in faith and have doubted how everything happened, mainly because I had not heard another believer who was converted in a similar way to mine. I never said a prayer or went through periods of time seeking God; I never met an evangelist or hear the gospel from a believer. I got converted because the Lord revealed Himself to me and changed my heart.
In 2005, my life had reached a point of which everything was just wrong. I had more enemies in my life than friends, some people had really hurt me and gone out their way to make my life a misery, I hated them so much and I wanted revenge. I had become a very angry bitter woman, and found it impossible to let go and forgive. Little did I know that things were about to change. In December 2005, I woke up one morning feeling like I had had a complete character and personality transplant over night. I felt different, it was strange. As days went on I noticed a radical change in the way I thought, this was a shock to me. I now loved my enemies; all the bitterness and anger I felt towards them seemed to had just vanished. The weirdest thing for me was I had no control over my feelings, I knew this was not the normal me, I felt so relieved both in my mind and body, it was the most beautiful feeling I had ever experienced all my life and I did not want to lose it. It took me about 2 weeks to realise that I had no grudge whatsoever to every person who had ever hurt me in life, I had forgiven. At that point I was feeling a power at work in me, a power that was alien to me.I had no idea what it was, but it felt so powerful, I felt like I was going to explode with the amount of love for those who hated me. During this time my husband and I visited family friends, we never spoke about religion with this couple but on this night strangely our friends started discussing if God was real and about religion. The moment our friend mentioned the name ‘God’, I felt like someone had spoke right through my heart. I started panicking, but in a good way. I then knew in my heart that it was God who was calling me. Suddenly to my own surprise I started talking to our friends about God's love and forgiveness. I started preaching to them that we need to forgive our enemies for us to be free. I was talking about how God forgives us if we love our enemies. At this point I had no idea what I was talking about, the words just started coming out and I had no control over what I was thinking or saying, I was enjoying it, and everyone just looked at me as if to say, what has got into you? Just hearing the name God, seemed to have put me on fire.

On our way home I was telling my husband that I now knew what was happening to me, that God was calling me. At this point I did not comprehend what I was saying; even claiming that God was calling me frightened me, it so did not sound like me. I was telling my husband that I am naturally a bitter angry woman, but the previous two weeks all that had gone and all I felt was love. We never used to speak about religious stuff, but this time my husband had seen the power working in me, that he was in total agreement that something supernatural was going on in his wife. That night I could not sleep, I was troubled in my heart, I felt restless. I had bought a bible a few years back when I was at University; I had bought it just to add to my book collection, but never used to read it. We had recently moved to our new home so some of the clutter was still in our garage. And my bible was in somewhere in the clutter. That night all I could think of was that bible. I could not wait till morning to find it, I felt like that something that had been working in me was telling me to read my bible, the urge was strong, I can not describe it fully in words.

The next day I rushed to the garage to find this bible. To my amazement it took me a few minutes to find it. I rushed back in the house clutching this bible, like a child who had found a treasure, my heart was pounding, but the feeling was beautiful. I was scared what I was going to find in this book, which now seemed sacred to me. I opened it, and to my amazement I remember reading something about how God is love. Then I went on flipping the pages, I read about forgiving those who wrong you, so that God will forgive you too, everything I had been saying to my friends the previous day was in this book, at this point I was in total shock. I kept on flipping the pages, then all the joy turned into confusion, every page I turned to I saw a name that caught my eye, Jesus Christ. It seemed every page had this name. I had heard the name Jesus Christ countless times in my life, but for the first time in my life I had no idea who Jesus was. I could not understand it, I could feel the presence of God, it was so powerful, but yet I became so confused, who was Jesus? Why was His name in the bible? Why was I supposed to love Him? Suddenly I felt guilty that I did not know who Jesus was.
I left the bible on the floor, went to my bedroom, in deep confusion. I had prayed a few times before in my life, but this time I had a strong desire to pray and I now knew for sure that there was a God. It was my first prayer of faith. I fell on my knees and felt the courage to approach Him, ' God, I know you are there, I know it. You are calling me. I have felt your presence over the last two weeks, I can now forgive, and that’s not me. I know you are listening. I am confused, who is Jesus Christ? Am I supposed to love Him, if so why? Can you tell me why His name is in the bible, and why I should love Him?' I felt like God was there next me, and He was listening. After that prayer I felt a peace, all the worry and anxiety about not knowing Jesus just disappeared. Now looking back I can see from that moment I trusted God to reveal His Son to me.

After about three days of making this prayer, one afternoon I was at home doing my housework as usual when for the first time in my life, I saw myself as a sinner, this was different to how I had felt when I had the abortion, this time it was more real, I saw myself as to who I really was before God. I was a sinner. I felt sorry, guilty and grieved in my heart, that I had spent all my life sinning against a Holy God. All of a sudden as I was feeling guilty and sorry not knowing what to do, the name Jesus Christ come in my heart and mind. In my mind I then saw the cross, then I saw Jesus dying for my sins, paying for my punishment, suffering for me, the wrath of God being poured on Him, for all that I had done. I can not say I saw a real vision, but in my mind I beheld Jesus dying on the cross. That is the moment I believed. It became crystal clear to me who Jesus was and why I had never known Him, I loved Him. Jesus revealed Himself to me, I did not pray a prayer or ask Him to come into my heart. I just believed and from that moment and I felt free. I felt as though I had been bound in chains all my life, then the moment I believed in Jesus, my chains fell off, my heart was free! I was forgiven, I felt forgiven. I went from feeling guilty and helpless to feeling free and forgiven. From that moment I realised something had happened to me, I did know what it was at the time, but it was a supernatural transformation. I went to sit down to watch my favourite soaps, I could not do it, the desire had gone, I found it difficult to lie, I stopped playing the lottery. I felt like a complete different person, all the things I loved and enjoyed I now hated. Now I had a new desire, I wanted to know about Jesus, that's all I thought of. I had a strong desire to talk to God and read the bible. I would read my bible all the time, would go to bed with it. It became the most important thing in my life. As I was reading everyday, I was learning more and more about my Lord, it was just amazing.

My husband was in shock as he had no idea what was happening, everything was happening so fast. I too had no idea what was happening. All I knew was I was not the same person anymore, I now loved Jesus, I knew I was now forgiven, I felt free and I could not get enough of the Word of God. At this point I did not even know that what had happened to me had a name! I later found out through reading the bible more than four weeks later that I was now a Christian. It was amazing finding out that Jesus called it being born-again in John 3:3. I now knew that I was not a strange girl, I had been saved! I had believed in the Lord Jesus Christ for my salvation. Glory to God!