It is good that I have been afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes. Psalm 119:71.
When I got saved in January 2006, God gave me what I would call a honeymoon period of about a year or so if I can recall. During that time my conversion was so vivid in my mind, everything seemed beautiful, I was witnessing to almost everyone I know. For the first time in my life life started to make sense. I had joy, peace, happiness, contentment, hope and fulfilment in my life. It couldn't be better than that. I had been forgiven of my sins, the Lord had sought me and found me, I felt so close to God. I was the happiest girl on the planet. Even financially everything was flowing in the right direction, it was just great. I could not stop praising God.
However as I was rejoicing and thanking God for his never ending blessings upon my life, things suddenly turned the opposite direction. I had just had a baby boy, my husband and I were so happy, we already had a little girl so having a son was so exciting for us. I felt so blessed. However during this time, it was on valentine's day and things could not have been more perfect, one phone call changed my life and I found myself in a deep dark pit within minutes. Everything from that moment stopped making sense. God took away my money, he took away my pride, he took away my social status, he took away my joy, my peace, my happiness, my plans and what I thought was my future. I was thinking but I am a Christian, this is all wrong. There must be some mistake. God where are you? This contradicts everything I have been reading in your Word. At this time I had no other Christians I knew so I had no one to tell about my tragedy. I had no other believer around me who would at least explain things to me from a biblical point of view. I would open the bible and read it, but for the first time as a Christian, it made no sense. I tried to get answers from my bible but I couldn't get any. I would try to pray to my Lord, but it felt as though he had gone and left me. It was as though God had let Satan loose in my life. Few weeks passed and I started sinking deeper and deeper into despair. My trust in God started to waver, I was feeling betrayed. I was desperate for God to at least speak to me through his word. The silence was agonising. I was so embarrassed to tell anyone of my situation or for anyone to find out because all I could see was people saying " Where is her God, He seems to have left her."
I started reading the book of Psalms and I found some comfort in them. I started praying again and I felt God was talking to me. But when I was still in the process of finding comfort and strength in God's word, I was struck by yet another tragedy, that left me even more confused than the first time. This is when I knelt down before God and said, "Lord, I can not do this. You said you would never give me a trial beyond what I can bear, but this time I can not endure this.This is too much, I am not strong enough" For the first time in my life as a Christian, this is when I understood what the Lord means when He says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness". It felt as though the hand of the Father held me so tightly and He promised to never leave me nor forsake me. From that moment I was overwhelmed with peace that passed my own understanding, I can not say things got better, they actually got worse, but I had a sense of peace and joy in the midst of suffering. I had been a Christian for about a year and a half, but this was the beginning of a deeper relationship with my Lord. I was drawn more into the word, I learnt to trust in Him, I stopped relying in myself and my eyes became fixed on Jesus; the author and finisher of my faith, I learnt what it means to wait on the Lord, to feed on his faithfulness, to delight in him, to obey even when you do not understand. I started to see God at work in my life through my weakness and my brokenness. I started understanding what it meant to be comforted by a heavenly Father. To be so weary and helpless, yet to have a great and mighty God who acts on behalf of those who wait on Him. He taught me how to be a wife, a mother and the godly woman he wanted me to be. I can not say my storms are over yet, but I would rather be in the midst of pain and know the Lord, than have a perfect life and lose my soul. It is good that the Lord gave me affliction, I would have never learnt if I was in a better situation. I do actually count it all joy when I am grieved by various trials, because God is doing a far greater work in me, that the genuineness of my faith, which is much more precious than gold, may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of my Lord Jesus Christ. Whom I have not seen but I love, that I may receive at the end of my faith, the salvation of my soul.
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